Self-Help Stop

I have struggled most of my life with depression. From Persistent Depressive Disorder to three major depressive episodes, depression has been one of the constants of my life. There have been days when the only thing that got me out of bed was coffee. Times when I went the whole day speaking less than 10 words. Days where I barely moved. Living can be a challenge when you are depressed.

Medication coupled with therapy has been a very effective treatment but it took time, effort and perseverance to bring everything together. I found a good therapist and got the right medication. I have taken four different types of medication with only the last one providing any real relief. Anti-depressants do not resolve depression. They helped me achieve a basic level of functioning so that I could take on the work of dealing with my painful past, learning coping skills, and changing thoughts, beliefs and behaviors.

Following are a few of the things I learned in therapy. These practices have changed me and my life in ways I never thought possible. They continue to change me and help me create a beautiful life that I love living.

Self-compassion

The Buddha said that life is suffering. We all experience pain. We strive for perfection when it is not possible. We often hold ourselves to a higher standard than other people, beating ourselves up when we don’t meet our too high expectations. We can be unforgiving of our own mistakes. We are often the cause of our own suffering.

This was certainly true for me. I was, and sometimes still am, my harshest critic. My therapist introduced me to the work of Kristin Neff, a psychologist and professor who has written many books about self-compassion. Self-compassion is compassion you give to yourself. Just as you would be supportive, kind, and loving to a suffering friend, you can give that to yourself. One of the reasons people in 12-step programs volunteer is because it builds compassion. In being compassionate to others, we learn how to be that way towards ourselves.

Developing self-compassion for me required a lot of self-talk, reframing, visualization, and guided meditation. I thought a lot about situations in my past where I did not receive the love, kindness, and understanding that I should have. I gave that compassion and love to my inner child. Then I did the same thing for situations in my adult life.

A lot of my self-talk involved telling myself that things people said and did to me were because they were messed up. It wasn’t because of who I am or anything I did. I happened to be the person on the receiving end at that moment, but it could have been anyone.

Self-compassion has helped a lot with self-acceptance. I tell myself often that I am not a bad person. I do the best I can, with what I have, at the time. Sometimes I don’t have the energy – mental, emotional, physical or spiritual – to be my best. Rather than beating myself up, I give myself love, kindness, and understanding. I also tell myself that my expectations are just guidelines, something to strive for, but not exacting standards that I must meet to be my best. I already am doing my best in a given moment so there is no need to be self-critical.

I am becoming okay with who I am and the parts of me that I don’t like are becoming integrated. It takes time but rather than feeling like many broken bits, I feel more and more whole. I’ve learned that most of the “bad” traits are the flip side of the “good” traits. I tend to be a wallower. I wallow in grief and in love. The greater our capacity for one end of the spectrum, the greater our capacity for the opposite end. Self-compassion has led to new perspectives.

Reframing

Reframing is a practice where we change our thoughts and feelings about ourselves and situations. This can be done through analysis and self-talk. Whenever I notice that I’m feeling down, I start paying attention to what I’m thinking. Thoughts and feelings are not bad. They are information. Usually they are telling us to pay attention. So I consider what my thoughts and feelings are telling me about what is happening. Either I need to change the situation or I need to look at things differently. If the latter, I ask myself what is another way to look at things. There are always many perspectives. I pick one that serves me better and I know it is right when I start feeling better. We can’t always change a situation but we can always change our thoughts and that changes everything.

Happiness requires work

I thought happiness was something that I would feel when I had a good job, lived on my own, had friends that I had a good time with. Things that were outside of me. I went to therapy for the first time in my twenties because I was unhappy. I had a job, lived on my own, had fun, and did whatever I wanted. Back then, the professionals only wanted to talk about my past. I wasn’t ready for that. Years and a couple of major depressive episodes later, I tried therapy again. It blew my mind when a therapist told me that happiness doesn’t just happen to us. That we have to work at it every day. I learned to reframe my idea of happiness.

Learning, growing, loving, trying new things – this is what life is about. It’s less about the job title and pay and more about how I’m earning the money. The everyday things that take up my time. The journey. The process of living. Because the things I do daily, the emotions I feel, the thoughts I think, these are the substance of life. This is how I cultivate happiness, meaning, and fulfillment. I enjoy what I do. I read. I synthesize. I strategize. I write. Create articles and social media posts with pretty pictures to market my website. I journal and meditate. I experiment in the kitchen to make tasty foods that work within my dietary needs. Spend time with my spouse and our dog. I enjoy it all and more.

Final Thoughts

I don’t begrudge the years I was struggling, wandering around lost, and feeling unhappy. Life is not about a destination. It’s about the travels. And my meandering path has been filled with love, learning, and periods of bliss in addition to pain and strife. Practicing self-compassion and managing depression while creating a beautiful and meaningful life every day makes me happy. I am deeply content and satisfied and I do not get lost in the ups and downs and constant change that is a significant part of life. Even in periods of grief and tremendous upheaval, I have learned to weather any storm.

I’ve learned that “do what you love” is less about your job and more about how you spend your time on earth. Our time is short. Do things that make you feel good. Live in the moment. Be kind to yourself. This is the work of happiness.