Self-Help Stop

I’m a wallower. I luxuriate in my feelings like they are a hot bath complete with essential oils, suds, and scented candles. When I’m happy or satisfied, I hang on to the feeling as long as possible. The bigger the accomplishment, the longer I can bathe in those feelings. When I’m doing this, I also take some time to recognize that I’m wallowing and revel in that! It is an exercise in mindfulness. Besides, basking in the glory of accomplishments feels so good I want to achieve more goals so I can revel more. Unfortunately, some emotions are less motivational.

I also sink into sadness, self-pity, grief, anger or depression and can stay there for days or even weeks. Unlike happy wallowing, delighting in the heavier emotions is not as creative. I’ve struggled with depression since I was a teen. When I was younger, I could usually pull myself out of it but after a few major depressive episodes, it wasn’t as easy. And after being diagnosed with fibromyalgia and Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) more than a decade ago, I found myself experiencing self-pity a lot.

In therapy, I learned that emotions are not bad or good. They provide information about our circumstances, what we think and how we feel about what is happening in our daily lives. Feelings point to unfulfilled desires and needs, things that make us happy (and that we should do more of), as well as situations and people that are restful and regenerative. In addition to indulging feelings and being mindful of it, I needed to find the message.

I made the decision to allow 2 days of feeling sorry for myself or being sad. This allows me enough time to learn the reason for those feelings and then it’s time to act. At first it took me longer than two days but with practice I became better able to focus on the message. I should mention that I am a highly sensitive introvert. I have a rich inner life filled with emotions, imaginings, observations of people and life, and ideas. It’s a heady mix. So I was very excited to begin this new process. I’m able to keep doing what I enjoy, learn from it, and take action to improve my life.

I also learned in therapy that we have to make our own happiness. We have to work at it every day. It doesn’t just happen to us. Because of my sensitivity and savoring, I know what feels good. Often this is writing. Sometimes it’s planning, strategizing, and marketing my businesses. Other days it’s cleaning the kitchen, organizing, and running errands. On difficult days, wearing dresses, writing in my journal, and meditation or visualization make me feel better. With chronic illness, depression, or burnout, it’s too easy to do nothing all day. You have to push yourself gently, in tiny ways, towards feeling better. And wallowing can be a part of that.

According to Tina Gilbertson, LPC, wallowing can be good for you for three reasons.

1. It increases self-confidence by teaching us to accept ourselves and our feelings. 
2. It fosters intimacy and closeness in our relationships because by improving comfort with emotions we label as bad while deepening the capacity for kindness and compassion. 
3. It can make you feel better faster because you’re not denying or suppressing feelings.

You can read more about this topic in Gilbertson’s book, Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them.

Takeaways

Wallowing can be good for you on multiple levels. It can be an important part of self-care. It’s learning to accept what is and our feelings about it. Wallowing can provide motivation to accomplish more goals and the impetus to make changes for a more fulfilling life. It can be the rest and reprieve we need to keep going. Like so many things in life, it’s a tool. Something to help us live a more embodied life, present and mindful of our lived experience in the moment.