Self-Help Stop

It can be easy to confuse beliefs and values. They both shape our behavior, but they come from different places. Beliefs are what we believe to be true, often without any direct evidence to support them, while values are what we believe to be important based on our experience. Beliefs can be changed with attention and effort. Our core values are more difficult to shift. They are more deeply ingrained into who we are than beliefs.

Beliefs Are Different From Values

A belief as described above is something that we learn growing up from our parents, teachers, other students, etc. It is something that we believe about others  or life that guides our behavior. We only know a belief because we were told that. Once you believe something, you find the evidence to support it everywhere and you don’t notice the contradictory evidence that proves the belief doesn’t apply to all. That is how the brain works.

Values Define Who We Are

A value is a concept or idea that we believe wholeheartedly and that shapes our morals and principles.  Who we are, how we see the world, and how we respond to the world is due in large part to our values. Whereas beliefs are limited to a group of people, particular institutions, or certain situations, values broadly shape all areas of our life. Some of these are learned from family, friends, teachers and other adults but often our values arise from our own experiences and how we make sense of them.

We may have learned what’s important from others, but we only maintain them as values if they are proven true in our experience. Values can also be ideas or concepts that we are drawn to, that we find of particular interest or fascination, because they resonate with our personality, experience, or how we are beginning to see the world.

Values Can Change

Sometimes values change over time as we reflect on our life experiences, when we decide to be more like important or inspirational people, or as we change through grief, trauma, ongoing stress, etc.

My core values were shaped young, and they have become more nuanced and expanded but otherwise have not changed over the years. My core values were:

• Love & Loyalty
• Freedom & Equality
• Pursuit of Happiness

The founding values of the United States that I learned in school really resonated with me. But I am also an introvert so doing things my own way is a deeply intrinsic value of mine. Love was a value I got from my father and from the many family gatherings throughout the year for food and fun. I have many cousins and a huge extended family as my grandfather and most of his numerous siblings emigrated to the US in the 1920s and 30s. When I was a child, we would meet up yearly with these  many relatives for a reunion picnic.

As part of love, I have always been staunchly loyal towards the people I love, both family and friends. I don’t know why or where it comes from but, if I love you, I always look out for you.

My parents were very liberal. My Italian father had faced discrimination with his darker skin and thick, curly black hair. My American mother was a fierce feminist. They sheltered me from the news and how horrible some people can be. I grew up in a mixed-race working-class neighborhood in what felt like an idyllic place to me. I found out later that my parents had also sheltered me from the intolerant white people in the neighborhood.

I had an unhappy childhood. There were things I loved about it: going to the library, riding my bike, climbing trees, hanging out at friends’ houses – spaces that felt less chaotic and even peaceful – and the ever-present, but often loud and busy, family get-togethers. In addition to being a highly sensitive person who could not hide my feelings or even keep them to myself, home was not always very peaceful. I had a strong sense of equality and, as a middle child, I felt I didn’t always get my share. As a result of all this, I have spent a lifetime pursuing happiness. And I wouldn’t stop no matter what anyone told me.

As an adult, my values are:

• Love and loyalty to myself first, family and friends
• Freedom, diversity, equality, fairness, truth
• Happiness, meaning, fulfillment
• Peace and nature
• Creativity

I suspect creativity was one of my values all along because I have always loved writing, been interested in the arts, loved movies and plays but I’m also creative in other ways. I think creatively. I am super analytical, but I come to conclusions and solve problems creatively. I am a creative person.

Strong Values Can Guide Us Through Difficult Times

These values shape me and guide my life. I am who I am because of my values and experiences more than the influence of family, friends, and teachers. After years of therapy and working on myself, studying psychology, human development, and culture plus many years of working with others, often with the same struggles as I have had, I am basically the same person with the same values. I am also more, and stronger, than that unhappy child.

But it could have gone another way. Because of the trauma of being abused by my sixth-grade teacher, being bullied until high school, being in a 10-year abusive relationship, I could have ended up an entirely different individual with different values. But I instinctively clung on to the parts of myself that I valued most: my individuality (I know what’s best for me), my desire to do things my own way, my vivid imagination, my intuition, my introversion, my value of freedom, and my desire for peace. These aspects of myself gave me courage to keep going, to learn when to hold on and when to let go. To find my own way. My values were right for me. And, after everything I’ve been through to become more myself and someone that I love and treasure, I will never change them.

Values Can Be Changed

Values are more than beliefs. They are ideals and principles based on our experiences. They are deeply ingrained aspects of our personality and guide how we behave. If you were taught, or experienced, things that have not led to a meaningful or fulfilling life, you can change your values and start living a different life. It’s a process that requires a lot of self-compassion and patience.

Start with a values assessment to help you determine your core values. Then consider how these values have created the life you are living now and the people you spend your time with. Make note of any that want to change. Use the same list to pick new values. Spend some time thinking about what your life might look like with those values. It can be useful to write in a journal as you begin to work on changing your values.

To change your values, you will also need to examine and modify thoughts, limiting beliefs, and your mindset. These changes will create an aligned life where your inner values and beliefs match your words and behaviors leading to a meaningful and fulfilling life. You are worth any effort it takes!

For help changing thoughts and beliefs, I developed this Challenging Thoughts workbook. And, my Change Your Mindset course will be available soon.

What are your values and how have they shaped and guided you?